My date with Captain Fantastic
On Wednesday night I went on a blind date (well that is essentially what it was, because I couldn’t remember what he looked like and I doubt he remembered what I looked like either). Tommy, no not Tom. Not even Thomas, Tommy used the classic ‘you look tired’ pick up line on me when I was working. That’s one of my favourites, it’s up there with ‘Hi, I’m going to take you home and fuck you’ or similar. So Tommy dropped that famous line and gave me his number. I had Lovebox the next day and naturally forgot all about Tommy. Well not totally forgot, he was in my mind enough to keep mentioning to GG that I don’t know if I could even have a drink with someone named Tommy. Because I had forgotten what he looked like I just kept imagining Tommy from Rugrats. HOT. So after my wonderland Lovebox weekend had come to a close I was back at work hung-over and bored. I thought I’d give Tommy a holla. Blah blah, Wednesday night it was. We were going to see Inception. Between Monday and Wednesday Tommy lost points with me by adding ridiculous smiley faces to the end of his already poorly written messages filled with spelling and grammatical errors. GG was over because we were having a delicious lunch together. There was fucking plastic wrapping all over my flat by the way. Whydo the British have to double plastic wrap absolutely everything then stick a plastic sticker on top?. Anyway, GG and I had a delicious fancy lunch (Tesco’s finest) and I started really, really not wanting to go on my date (Which was in Wood Green- where I had never been…and will never go again). I had a sore throat, I was all unnecessarily agro woo and there was not one part of me that was actually looking forward to my date. I quickly put some make-up on and managed to find the only piece of clean clothing I had with a hole in the shoulder. My tights were elegantly ripped up my thighs. I looked nothing short of a tired tramp. My biggest fears( and I know that I’m not alone out there with these ones) was that he would be a) shorter than me and b) have hideous dress sense. He was exactly the same height as me and his dress sense was,…fine. Inception wasn’t on until 8:50 and it was 8 when we met, or 8:15. I was late. Obviously. This gave us a great opportunity to get to know a little bit about each other. I soon found out that Tommy was an ‘actor’ but when he wasn’t ‘acting’ he was a children’s entertainer. Now I know that these people exist but I never thought I would meet one. He gave me his card, uh okay thanks Tommy…or should I say CAPTAIN FANTASTIC? There was nothing too fantastic about the way Cap’n was entertaining me during our date. There wasn’t going to be either. So we were sitting in the Goose? The Egg? Some ‘classic English pub’ where the average age inside was ‘approaching death’. The bartender struggled a great deal when I asked her for a Vodka, Soda & fresh lime. She was all confused woo and the more we spoke about what steps to take next the more backwards the whole process became. It was time for Inception, even though I didn’t really want to see the film I was very much excited woo to escape the dungeon like pub. Having not booked ahead, Inception was sold out and I ended up strolling around Wood Green for no apparent reason listening to Captain Fantastic complain every five minutes about missing the film. At these points in my head I was saying to Captain Fantastic ‘I AM NOT ENTERTAINED, I AM NOT ENTERTAINED’. One more crappy, boring pub with grave dodgers and we were on our way back to Tommy’s. Earlier in the night he had tried to kiss me and touch my face. I wasn’t impressed with this and at different points during the date he described me as ‘kooky’ or said ‘you’re a little different aren’t you?’. Tommy began to gave me a massage, which was all a bit cringe but oh wow, I won’t say no to a massage. Half naked in his bed he decides it’s absolutely fineeeeee for two of his friends to come into his room and hang out. Laying on my breasts I turned awkwardly to introduce myself. Surely you think the introduction and chat can’t last longer than about a minute when there is a stranger half naked on a bed. Ohhhhh it can, It can last up to five minutes. It’s fine though, Tommy’s partner in Bromance offered to get him some massage oil for my back. Aw man, thanks Ricky! This was the most entertaining point of my night. Go Captain Fantastic go. His comment (which he said in a really serious tone) when they left the room ‘Oh you became a little shy then didn’t you?’ ahh yeah Captain OBVIOUS I was lying on my breasts talking to strangers. Tommy had a tidy room, more points were lost. It was just too tidy, showed some of his anal personality. Oh and he talked about how ‘The Secret’ changed his life at some point when I was half naked. Cringe, cringe, cringe. Before we engaged in average sex Tommy had made jokes during the night about wearing his costume to arouse me. I wish that he had.