The Jewish 9 Inch
After Rosemary’s Baby we all headed to 230 which is a hotel on 5th avenue with a rooftop open all year around. the view is amazing…when you step onto the roof you’ve got the empire state building right smack in your face, there are palm trees everywhere, red/purple lighting and just a real nice atmosphere. but duuuuude the prices are steep…a shot of jamesons was 12 bucks.
so almost immediately after sitting down this loud, in-your-face guy Joe comes over and starts talking shit, trying to speak a bit of german which i guess wasn’t too bad cuz he was jewish and you know the whole yiddish thing is pretty similar.
Joe was so hilarious and completely inappropriate. he went over to a group of arab guys and was telling them not to blow the place up and told one of ’em to cheer up cuz “i didn’t sleep with your sister, i swear!” they loved it though (actually only one of them loved it..the others were not happy campers) and they came over to our table at some point.
Joe was there with 2 orthodox jewish friends, his cousin Michael from London and his cousin Josh who, like Joe, lives in Brooklyn. Josh was your token creep but because he realzied this he was so endearing. he sat next to me and he just whispered in my ear: “The creep is sitting next to you.” you know…when the creepiness is so out there i really don’t mind. and the creep did pay for my 12 buck jameson.
so Joe kept banging on about his 9 inch circumcised penis….he did things like point to his wallet and say: “this is my penis and when i rub it, it turns into a suitcase.” oh wow
anyway the guys were awesome and they had some good stories. like the time that Joe (who isn’t the greatest looking guy) was fucking a model in miami but she was a sex addict and at some point he thought his dick was gunna fall off so he turned to his cousin Michael (who is the spitting image of Joaquin Phoenix) who tried all he could to rid his poor cousin of amazing model sex:
first he suggested they both go out and pick up other chicks. so they brought back two hot asian mamas. joe took one of them into his bedroom and started fucking her. sex addict model was in the room as well. instead of flippin the fuck out she loved it and got in on the action. not very therapeutic for Joe’s almost drained-to-death penis.
then michael thought his joaquin phoenix looks and british charm were a sure combination to get the model’s attention away from joe. he charmed his pants off, whipped out all the tricks that usually work without a fail….but no she had eyes only for joe.
at this point shit was bad….joe thought he was going to die from all the sex he was having. he couldnt handle it anymore. so he told michael to pay the girl money to leave him alone. michael offered her 5 grand….she wasn’t having it. it ended up taking 10grand to get rid of this clit driven machine. and yes…the two are pretty well off.
so after getting kicked off the roof we went back to one of arab’s guy place by central park. we chilled on their roof top. and the size of joe’s penis kept popping up so, you know, i wanted to see that shit. joe said he would only show it in his bonerfied state. so after grabbing three sets of boobies he felt ready… he stood in front of all of us (conservative arabs and cousins included) and he whipped it out.
the verdict….yeah it was all right…it was just a penis after all and he did whip it out super quickly. so quickly i couldnt take a picture of it for the blog. soooooooz guys